The Joy of Rest
I have been resting a lot, and because of that I am thinking a lot about rest. One of the things I am really proud of from this year is getting better at resting and prioritizing downtime. I will caveat: there is still a part of me that is horrified by this. That part of me screams: “lazy, lazy!!!!”
Rest is of course, a luxury. I worked in a traditional office for twelve years and recognize that my job now has a level of flexibility that most people do not have. I am in charge of my schedule and should be able to properly prioritize rest. That being said, being self-employed has its own set of challenges. There is at times a pressure to say yes to everything because you don’t know if/when things could dry up. And when you are pretty much a one-person show the deadline is the deadline. And if the work does not get done by the deadline, no one else can do it for me: I won’t get paid. In the scheme of things, I have it easier than most people: no kids, no real “boss,” flexibility. Still, I’ve had a hard time prioritizing rest.
In the past, if I got sick I would work through it.
I think there is a little bit of guilt here which probably stems from the very early days of my career. I had a series of bosses who either came to work really sick themselves or rolled their eyes/didn’t believe me when I was sick. And I was young and impressionable and that was what was modeled for me… it made a lasting impression! So I have, or at least have had in the past, a hard time letting myself rest. If I am being honest, there is a part of me that loves (or hopefully loveD) being a martyr. The person who works through illness, etc. because she is such a hard worker. The yes person. The dependable one. The one who puts work ahead of everything else.
A girlfriend was talking about herself and referred to this as a symptom of wanting gold stars, and that really resonated. The 12 years I spent working in the corporate world made me a sucker for a gold star. Yes, yes, yes! I will do all the things, give me my gold star. Hearing a higher up say how grateful they were to me for working all night to get something done was like catnip. Especially if it was in front of the whole team. It felt good. I craved that dopamine hit.
But at what cost? Your health. Your sanity. Your relationships. And probably a lot more.
Over time I have come to see rest as an investment in myself.
If I am rested, I will be able to think more clearly, make better decisions, and be more efficient. When I am well-rested I am more effective at my job. I am less irritable and a nicer person to be around. I am less likely to make stupid typos and silly mistakes. I’m happier. I am healthier (and in a better mindset to make healthier choices, i.e. making a big salad for dinner vs. frozen pizza).
This is just something that has been on my mind a lot, so I thought I would share it here. COVID really knocked me down. I was proud of myself for resting through it. There were nights I slept 14 hours (and that little voice in my head told me I was lazy and gross but that voice is getting quieter).
All of this to say, I am seeing the value more and more of slowing down. Of skipping power yoga in favor of a slower restorative or yin class. Of long neighborhood walks vs. sprints on the treadmill. Of saying no to dinner or an event not because I have a conflict but because I need a night in. Of just… taking better care of myself. I realize I am probably preaching to the choir here but for anyone who needs it (including myself): taking care of yourself and listening to your body does not make you lazy. Rest is an investment in yourself. I am slowly reforming my love of gold stars and coming to find a lot of joy in rest. I am still a work in progress, but a more rested work in progress.
I think this is a cultural phenomenon here in America, since we are focused on work and productivity as the most valuable assets a person can bring to the collective. I am battling long Covid, and as a stay-at-home-mom, I already feel like I am not as productive as people with a job that pays. Now add in rest/naps, and I feel incredibly lazy and even embarrassed, as if I am inadequate and cannot handle a fraction of what other people can. Trying to retrain my brain that getting healthy doesn’t count as lazy, but the downtime adds to my own guilt factors about not being productive without a “real” job.
Oh my gosh YES. It really is a reframe and so easy to feel guilty. (Also, for what it is worth, I am not a mother, but from friends experiences and what I hear from this community I would imagine that being a full time mom is even harder than a “real” job.)
And I am so sorry that you are battling long Covid. This thing just sucks. Please go easy on yourself!
You’ve hit the nail on the head I think. I imagine most Western nations glorify productivity culture over and above its true value, but America is just next level…I am working with some Americans currently and they are *always* online and working. Because of the time zone, our Monday is their Sunday and I actually have to hold my emails/comms or they’ll respond. Even on a Sunday when they’re with their families! Then I feel like they expect the same out of me (they’re not getting it; I have learnt how to have boundaries!)
Can relate!! I started doing orangetheory about 2 months ago (to get more fit for a wedding I was MOH, and ended up injuring my wrist). I finally decided to take a break and went to get a deep tissue massage yesterday because my upper back was so tight it was hard to sleep the lady was like WOW, this feels like it’s been here a long time… so I’m going to rest for a bit!! Even though my brain is telling me I should work out, go for a run, get back to a class! But I’m going to stick with yoga for a while.
I am so sorry that you hurt your wrist!!!! I feel that so deeply, that nagging voice in your brain telling you to get back into it ASAP!
I love this as it’s something I have been working on, as well, divorcing the entirety of my self-worth from my productivity. Another aspect I’m really trying to internalize is that while it’s tempting to frame rest and relaxation primarily within the context of productivity (e.g., “resting is good because it means I can be more productive later”), rest is also fine and good for its own sake! It’s hard for me but I’m trying 🙂
I love that expression, “divorcing the entirety of my self-worth from my productivity.” So spot on as to what I am trying to do as well. You are so right in that it is good for its own sake. I think I still sometimes need to justify it that way.
Such a great post and one I relate to so much. Cup of Jo had a post this week on how we define success. The comments are great. I put so much pressure on myself in my 20s and 30s to do all the things professionally and personally. It wasn’t until my mid 40s when I got sick with a cold and developed post viral syndrome that I for once rested. I see it as a blessing now and a true wakeup call for mind and soul, I look back and see all the burnout red flags. Success for me now is prioritizing my time for my physical and emotional wellness. It’s no longer a title. It’s taking that 2 hour lunch with my elderly Dad as work will always be there. I’m a recovering runner who loved a training plan and thought being out of my comfort zone was a longer race. It’s still hard for me, but I’m learning to savor rest days as stepping out of my comfort zone.
I love her blog and need to head over and read that!!!! Love everything you have said. Sometimes we need a wakeup call. And I so agree about the time with our parents. I feel so lucky to see mine a few times a week now… it is the best.
I just love this! Thank you for this post. I think many many of your followers are very like minded, like me, and this will resonate.
I hope so! Thank you, Ellie! xx
I needed this post today. I have Covid this week and am feeling so guilty for being sick. Can’t take care of my kids, I am missing the last days of school for my job as an instructional coach (resigning to have more flexible time with my family), my house is a mess. But your post reminded me that if I don’t rest and recuperate I won’t be able to be there for my family or myself. I hate that illness is what often jolts us into a mindset shift.
I am so sorry, that is the absolute worst feeling!!!! Please rest and take care of yourself. This variant is no joke!!!!
I love this! We are all reforming our love of gold stars. I started my career in advertising where it was the more your did, the better at your job you were. Now I realize how better at my job I am when I have the flexibility to take a walk during the day or pick up
My kids from school and NOT have to ‘get online later’. I reinforce that with my team as well.
YES! I love that.
I love this post, Grace! It reminds me of one of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist. Her two newest books (“Present Over Perfect” and “I Guess I Haven’t Learned that Yet”) have similar themes, in case you want to check them out!
I am going to have to check them out!
We always need the reminder that “rest is productive” ❤️
Yes, we DO!
This resonates so much! I am glad you’re feeling better and were able to get the needed rest. I gave birth about 2 months ago, and my first trimester forced me to slow down and rest. I too always wanted to go the extra mile, say yes to everything, and that always resulted in burning me out and wearing me down. I learned to lean into the rest and be ok with turning in early with out accomplishing everything I would want to. I wound up coming down with Covid in third trimester and had to take two proper sick days to just sleep alllll day. I hope you continue feeling better from CV19 and continue to get all the rest you want and need!
Thank you Aleigha! Gosh COVID and third trimester sounds so intense!
10 gold stars awarded to Grace for resting when her body & psyche need restorative rest.
Hahahaha 😉
“Reforming my love of gold stars” – that’s a beautiful phrase. I struggle similarly and really appreciate this post! My dad used to tell me that we need to treat our bodies more like we treat a vehicle (sounds weird, but stay with me) – we need to do preventative maintenance, rather than reactive maintenance. We do oil changes, tune-ups, etc, in the hopes of preventing a major meltdown. Yoga, rest, meditation, reading, time off of work – that’s our preventative maintenance.
Have a nice day, Grace!
That’s actually brilliant !
I absolutely love this quote!!!
This is such an important post Grace, thank you. We ( as Americans) have such a twisted work ethic. In most of Europe they have about a month paid time off and think we are crazy, since we work super long hours and usually are only given two weeks off a year ( if we are lucky). The crazy thing is there is study after study showing that we aren’t any more productive. When I worked at the Hilton ( they have since changed this policy) we were given a certain amount of vacation days and 8 “sick” days. If you used your sick days, you were paid in full; if at the end of the year you had not, you were only paid half. A huge percentage of the staff did not use their days, even though it was not financially sound. I guess because it is more “noble” in our culture to not ever miss a work day. That logic is crazy. I love the line from “Eat, Pray, Love when Luca Spaghetti says “ you Americans are crazy!” You don’t understand Il Dolce far niente (the sweetness of doing nothing). On a side note; no one should go to work sick and infect their co -workers. That’s really unproductive:) So glad you are taking time for yourself. I feel like this a unique issue for entrepreneurs. Do you think it’s more difficult?
The logic IS crazy!!!! And I remember that quote as well.
I am not sure whether it is more or less difficult, every job has its challenges. When I had a boss I was always scared of disappointing them. Now it’s more of a feeling that taking time off will negatively impact my business. Both were challenging!
Yes to all of this! There’s a Twitter account called @TheNapMinistry and it is great. Rest is revolutionary in our competitive (capitalist) society. But it can be hard to believe that and make ourselves rest even if we know it intellectually. It was great to see you rest as part of your recovery!
YES! I follow them!
I love this but it’s so hard in practice. I’m in the law biz and my job requires billing time in 6 minute increments with a goal of billing 9 hours per day. (ex. phone call with client 0.2 = 12 min) so it’s this very objective, harsh way to look at the day. After 10+ years in this role, it’s hard to enjoy an extended lunch while knowing that the 1.2 hours I spent at lunch with a friend (72 min) will have be billed elsewhere in my day, usually late at night. I don’t really have a point except to say that it’s so important to me, as a reader, that you post about this topic. It gets my out of my little work zone and it’s so helpful to hear perspectives on rest and how people find it. Personally, i’m trying to find ways to participate in my own life more fully, which includes restful activities like slowing down to enjoy my time as a mom, actually talking to my husband at night rather than sitting near him while we both work, good walks, meals with friends, and reading. For many reasons, I do believe that our generation is honing in on what needs to change so that work/productivity culture no longer dominates our thoughts. Thanks for writing all of this today and sparking my intention-setting for the weekend!
Gosh that sounds incredibly hard!!!!!! I think, to your point, slowing down during your off time is probably the best thing to do… those walks and long talks and taking the time to be really present are the best things. Have a great weekend!
As per usual could not agree with this post more! I’ve been battling some auto immune issues, the crux of which involves me getting very sick if I don’t get enough sleep, don’t take care of my body, or push myself too hard physically. It has been SO frustrating to figure out how to take care of my self, and learn to say no to things that I previously have been able to do (stay out late for a friend’s birthday, go for a long run, eat gluten (the thing I miss the most!)). By having to say no so much I feel like I’m letting others down! As a trying-to-reform people pleaser I’m working on prioritizing my health needs!
It’s so important!!!!
I am definitely loving this article Grace and I’m so proud of you! You have worked so very hard to get where you are right now and to make your very own schedule and decisions . Just because my lifestyle is so different than yours does not mean that I don’t appreciate each of your struggles and sacrifices. Rest is important to being well . I’m not doing that right now and it feels like I cannot . I ended up with a double whammy this week in a tooth infection and a UTI that was so bad that it required IV medication . I needed to take care of me , my husband and my animals that he can no longer do even if I was sick . It’s very hard to stop, but I’m resting with my kitty in my clean room quiet room between duties and yes bought too much too this week. I can return . But if I don’t rest I’m not as nice and I am stressed out . You are correct . I could do so much more even 10 years ago but since I have no time machine , I have decided to just rest when I can. Thank you so much for this article . I appreciated your honest views .
xo
Thank you so much Lynn, I hope you are taking care of yourself!!!
This is SO TRUE. As a physician, it has always been who can work longer, who is more dedicated to their patients; it is a recipe for complete burnout. When I became a mom 2 years ago and my daughter had some challenges that required appointments during the work day, things I WANTED to be present for and to be present just with her in general by leaving the office at a reasonable time; I told my higher ups I could no longer be the “go to person.” We do weekly kudos in our group which is essentially gold stars, and I can’t say it doesn’t sting a bit to no longer get a gold star, or feel like the work I am accomplishing is not valued. Its constant work to reform the people pleasing part of myself since I am happy with how my life is currently. Thank you for posting!
Thank you Sabrina for your work. The gold stars come at a cost – most often unseen. I work in medical field and am about to start in a new role. I chose my workplace due to culture, the most PTO offered in the area, paid holidays and most lucrative overtime (but have set hard limits on 1 full shift pickup per month for my first year). I intend to take all of it – if it turns into a “we can’t approve you for that pto bc not staffed” circlejerk(at 2 of my prev workplaces this occurred) I’ll find another role elsewhere. We self schedule and if I am not getting the days I desire consistently, again, I will walk. A study found that schedule flexibility is most relevant to contentment work wise once income is above 75K. My role is high responsibility low autonomy already as a cog in a system. I hope my new mgr respects my church needs or… I’ll find a mgr that does.
There’s no suffering Olympics to win. I am not responsible for the failures of a system designed for profit. Momento mori.
Oh gosh, I am so sorry – thank you for the work you do!!! I am glad you are setting boundaries.
I needed to read this today. I took a sick day and felt incredibly guilty about it and watched some work pile up. I ended up not getting work done AND not really resting. Ugh. Thank you for reminding us this is so important and an investment in ourselves.
I am so sorry! I hope you were able to give yourself a little break.
Damn this post is really timely for me. I’m an American living in Europe and as of last week am officially on burn-out leave from work. A benefit I am SO truly grateful for. It took a long time to accept it and having a doctor tell me it was needed was very validating. Still, I feel like such a failure that I haven’t even told my family and friends in The States yet. Lots to unpack, but for now am focusing on resting and taking care of myself.
Sending you so much love. I hope you are able to get some rest and take care of yourself!
I’ve been feeling like I am close to burning out, but the fact that this post made me burst into tears confirmed it for me. I relate to this so much, especially being a martyr and the need for the gold stars. I live for those pats on the head . I’ve been stressing all weekend about how to tell my boss I need some days off (haven’t had a day off since Christmas), so thank you for this reminder.
Oh I am so sorry!!! Sending you love, take it easy on yourself!